Tonight, I have the house all to myself. I have rented some movies to watch. Right now, Johnny Depp sits on my television screen in suspended animation while I type this entry. I am surrounded by a lack of commotion and silence. There is nothing to disturb me, and that is what I find most disturbing.
There have been so many times when I've wished my dad would shut up while I was watching a movie. Times when I wouldn't have to hear his constant need to comment on the obvious. While I'm enjoying watching the movie in peace, I do not like the uneasy feeling of being alone. I wish there was noise other than the noise that I make while I type on this keyboard.
Silence is something I've wished for for a long time, but now that I'm alone with my thoughts, I just want to drown them out with noise. I'm left hearing my conscience for the first time in a long time. It makes me glad I went to confession. But, there's a faint and dull pain in my chest from some forgotten emotion, and I know that it was forgotten for a good reason. Something long ago that I worried myself sick over, and then just gave up on it. I offer up a prayer for it, and hope that something will bring me the peace that I seek.
When I was in confession, I looked over Matt 5:13 in the bible while waiting for a confessional to open. One of the footnotes referenced Mark 9:50.
"ôSalt is good; but if the salt has lost its saltness, how will you season it? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another."
Just before this verse is Mark 9:42-49. It's where Jesus talks about what should happen to anybody who causes a child of God to sin. I wish I knew what 49 and 50 have in common besides salt or being salted. Jesus says everyone will be salted with fire, but is he talking about the people in hell, or literally, everyone?
This Lent, the scriptures I picked are becoming very humbling because they show me how little I really know.
I suddenly just became comfortable with the silence.